You can't motorboat a personality
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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