I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
