Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
