Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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