EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
