There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
