Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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