I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
