She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
