I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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