You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
