no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
