im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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