I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
How's work?
Spinning.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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