The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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