My liver just broke up with me...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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