My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
