I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
