I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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