he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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