you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
