some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We left the knife in your bed.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
