So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
