shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
