FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
