Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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