This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My life is pants optional.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
