Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
