dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
