I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
