You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
