When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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