i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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