Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
