Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
