I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
