guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
