This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
