just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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