i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
