The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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