Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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