At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
