I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
