I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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