I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
