I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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