dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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