I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
