If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
