Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
