I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
