My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
