I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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